In the past month, Nathan has been displaying some unusual behavior. He is either insisting he is a baby, "like Ryan." This includes crawling on the floor, asking me to feed him, pretending to cry and babble and he apparently even convinced my dad to burp him last night. Or he's deliberately disobeying me, stealing toys from his brother and just acting out constantly.

In my opinion, he's begging for attention and that makes me so sad. For nearly three years, he was my right hand man.We did everything together and he got 100% of my attention. Ever since Ryan came along, he is constantly being told to stop, wait, or be quiet. He loves Ryan and has so much fun playing with him but I can't help but feel guilty that part of him feels like second best.

We've spent one day together, just the two of us, since Ryan was born. That was almost 8 months ago. (Insert Mom guilt here) I need to make more of an effort to spend one on one time with him. So tomorrow, I am taking advantage of having my in-laws in town and leaving Ryan home with them and taking Nathan out for a special "Just Mommy and Nathan" morning. I told him we can do whatever he wants, including lunch at a restaurant. (This kid loves eating at restaurants.)

His first choice was easy, he wants to go to a playground. Such a simple request but ever since Ryan came alone I stand on the sidelines holding the baby, or nursing the baby, or comforting the baby while Nathan plays alone. Tomorrow I will get to go down the slide with him, push him on the swing, run and chase him, like we always did when it was just us.

His second choice is proving to be more difficult. When I put him to bed tonight he told me he had narrowed it down to his three favorite restaurants. 1. Kelly's, because he likes to watch the big fish tank. 2. Papa Gino's, because he loves pizza. 3. Friendly's, because you get ice cream. I told him he can be spontaneous and make a last minute decision although I'm secretly hoping he chooses Friendly, who doesn't deserve a little ice cream on a Friday afternoon?

Nathan will always hold a special place in my heart as my firstborn. And although he can't have all of my attention anymore, it is my job to let him know everyday he still has my whole heart.

Fall fun

Tis the season for apple picking, leaf peeping and trick or treating. It's mid October and we're off to a good start. Two weekends ago we went apple picking. Hayride? check. Cider donuts? check. Pumpkin picking? check.

Last week we picked out the kids Halloween costumes. Nathan had a hard time deciding but in the end, he went with a dog.  I was surprised he didn't choose a super hero or a police officer or something a bit "older" since he is becoming more and more interested in those types of things but secretly, I'm glad he went with the cute little puppy. At three and a half, he is becoming less of a baby faced toddler and more of a long and lean boy each day. This might be the last year he chooses something cuddlly so I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I would say 90% of Ryan's clothes are hand me downs from Nathan so although the adorable green dragon costume that Nathan wore for his first Halloween would have fit perfectly, I thought the kid deserved his own, "new" costume. So I bought him a very cute costume which won't make its appearance until the 31st. For all the pre-Halloween activities (because seriously, there are an insane amount of costume/Halloween themed activities the entire month of October) he will be wearing a skeleton costume. Which technically is a hand me down since it was bought for Nathan, but Nathan never actually wore it, so its also technically new?

It actually goes great with Nathan's costume. This past Friday I took Nathan to a pumpkin decorating playdate, the boys went as a Dog and his Bone(s).

We have also been enjoying the beautiful foliage all around us. Will works hard during the week, but I think he might actually work harder on the weekends getting great photos of me and the kids!!

 Finally, it wouldn't be Fall without school pictures!

Fall is my favorite season, if I could wear jeans and a sweater everyday, I would be a happy girl! But unfortunately we only get a few weeks of crisp, cool weather before the harsh Boston winter comes around and apple cider will switch to hot chocolate, sunny days will turn grey and the scariest part, we'll have to turn the heat on! So until then, we are going to make the most of it.

Next weekend? Carving our Jack-o-lanterns.

Firsts

As a parent, it's fun to record a baby's "firsts." First words, first steps and I'm pretty sure the first time they sleep through the night stack up there as the top items on the list. However, there are lots of less memorable but just as special firsts that might go unnoticed or unremembered.

Last week I had to stop into the grocery store to pick a few things up for dinner. I planned on letting Nathan walk and holding Ryan in my arms, since I only needed a couple things. But then we saw a pumpkin display and I decided to get a few of those. And then Nathan saw the apple pile and wanted one of those. And I couldn't resist the bakery section. Unable to hold anything else with my free hand, I saw a cart out of the corner of my eye. Ryan is 7 months today and been starting to sit on his own so I sat him down in the cart and voila.... he stayed upright.

So....first ride in a grocery cart.... recorded and will always be remembered.

Only a cruel person would design baby pajamas with snaps, versus a zipper.

First Day of Preschool

Nathan started school 9 months ago, in January. He was just barely old enough to start, 2 years and 9 months, but with a new baby on the way, I thought it was best to start him sooner than later. I thought it would be good for him to have a fun place to go two mornings a week, and a break from a crying baby. And I knew it would be good for me to have two quiet mornings a week, where I could focus on and bond with Ryan. Preschool ended up being great, Nathan loved it however drop-offs were a hit some days, and a miss on others.  Most mornings included a clingy little boy who was sad to see his Mommy leave him, and some of those mornings even included tears. However, I tried to base my judgement on his mood at pickup. Every time I picked him up, he was smiling and laughing and gave his teachers high fives and hugs, so I felt good knowing he was enjoying it.

Last week, all the kids had a one hour orientation for the new school year, basically a meet and greet to become familiar with the setting before having to stay their on their own. He will have the same teachers and be in the same class as last year, which provided both of us with a certain level of comfort.  Since the parents stayed for this visit, I was nervous this would throw him off and that he would expect me to stay everyday.

Today was his first real day of the new school year. We talked about it all weekend, that last week was just a visit which is why Mommy stayed but today Mommy wouldn't stay. He seemed fine, but he always seems fine when we talk about it. It's the dreaded drop off that always triggers his emotions but I am happy to report that it was a success. He walked in smiling and there was no hesitation on his part, no tiny hand reaching up for mine. I'm sure having one of his best friends greet him with an enthusiastic "Hi Nathan!" certainly helped, (Thanks Ella!!). He gave me a kiss and told me he'd see me after lunch,  reminding me that "Mommy always comes back after lunch", a mantra I repeat to him constantly.

Day 1 was successful, here's hoping this is a good sign for the rest of the year!

Brothers

Tonight I saw a glimpse into my future. As we sat down to dinner, Nathan started singing and making crazy faces. He was pretty much doing anything besides eating. Ryan of course thought this was hysterical and could not stop laughing. Which made Nathan act crazier. Which made Ryan laugh louder.

As I tried to intervene and get Nathan to focus less on his performance and more on his tilapia, broccoli and sweet potato, I was completely ignored. It was like I wasn't even there, they had eyes (and ears) only for each other.

Adjusting to two kids has been hard for me. There are many days where I struggle. Tonight for instance, the whole time I tried to cook dinner, Ryan cried and insisted on being held (teething has made my happy guy less than happy) and Nathan would not leave my side, insisting I play play-doh with him. To be honest, they were both driving me crazy and I would have done anything for them to leave me alone. But then at dinner, they wanted nothing to do with me and just like that, I realized there will come a day, sooner that I probably even realize, where they will no longer need me (or want me) to give them my undivided attention. Because they will have each other.

They will play together. And laugh together. They will fight with each other. They will ignore me or give me one word answers, and then turn to one another and whisper and tell secrets. The day will come when they scurry up the stairs together, leaving me by myself downstairs. And while being left alone sounds like heaven right now, I know I'll be sad when that day comes. I try to tell myself that on the hard days. That one day they won't let me kiss them in front of their friends, or hold their hands. They won't want me to hug them and they won't tell me they love me. (In fact they will probably even tell me they hate me....sorry Mom)

They won't need me as much but I hope they always need each other. Siblings are a blessing that we often take for granted when we are young. I fought constantly with my brother and two sisters growing up and many times wished I was an only child.  But today I am so thankful for them.  No matter how far apart we have lived from one another, or how much time passes between seeing one another, I know I could pick up the phone and call any of my siblings anytime. They are friends for life, a support system I can always rely on.

When Ryan was first born, I felt so guilty, as if I had ruined Nathan's life. But the older Ryan gets, and the more he can interact with Nathan, it is easy to see that giving him a brother was a great thing. I look forward to watching them play together and when they want nothing to do with me when they're older, I hope they will always turn to one another.

Home

We've been in the house for just over 3 weeks now and it's slowly starting to feel like home. The couch has been delivered.The curtains have been hung. There's a familiar trail of toys that loops from room to room.

We're still waiting on our dining room table to arrive. And we need to find a coffee table. And the pictures will eventually need to be hung. But every night before I go to bed, I turn off the lights. And lock the doors. And then I climb the stairs and check on each of my children, and kiss them one last kiss goodnight.

And at that moment, the bare walls don't matter.

At that moment, I know I am home.