Who's the boss?

I have said before that ever since we had children, in some ways, Will and I are now business partners and our children are our product. We invest time and money into producing happy and  healthy children. That is our job.

When you have a paying job, you report to a supervisor or a manager, but no matter what their title is, you have a boss. But parents whose full-time job is to take care of their children often joke that they are the CEO of their own company. They don't report to anyone.

Who am I kidding? I might coordinate the logistics, but I know who runs the show.

Trial and error

Sometimes Ryan does this short little yell over and over. It took me a while to figure out what that translated to. At first I thought he might be hungry but he refused to eat. Next I thought he might be gassy but after patting his back for what felt like forever, he refused to burp. Then one day I laid him in his bouncy seat and in minutes he was asleep. The next time I noticed the yelling I popped in a pacifier and again, he was asleep in minutes. So after a little experimenting, I was able to determine that yelling = tired.

Babies are such a mystery and half the time I am only guessing what he wants or needs. But with a little trial and error I am slowly but surely figuring this kid out.

Nathan turns 3

For Nathan's first birthday, I planned a safari theme, to match the theme I had used for his nursery decor. When he turned 2, I tried to think of what his favorite things were. Planes and ceiling fans. (Don't even get me started on helicopters, his 2 favorite things combined!!) So we had an airplane party.

But this year he was old enough to understand the concept of his birthday and what it meant to have a party so I let him choose his theme. When I asked Nathan what kind of party he wanted this year, he told me "A Frog party".

A frog party is what he wanted so a frog party is what he got.

And just to prove how much this kids loves frogs, here is in a frog costume holding a frog umbrella.
Man oh man, I love that kid!!!

Not to toot my horn or anything...

But yesterday, I bathed both children, took them to a playground, made a successful trip to the grocery store, got them to nap at the same time in the afternoon and then used that time to bake a chicken pot pie.

Considering there have been days in the past 6 weeks that none of us even got out of our pajamas all day, I'd say yesterday was pretty impressive.

And then there were four...and things got crazy

Having your first baby is completely life changing, there is no other way to put it. I knew having a second baby would be just as exhausting and just as time consuming, but my life already revolved around one child, now it would just revolve around two so I didn't really expect it to change my life that much.

I was wrong.

My life has changed completely. I now have to comfort a crying infant while simultaneously building a block tower with a toddler. I have to carry a (heavy!) carseat through a parking lot while also holding tight to a little hand that constantly tries to wriggle free. I have to make sure that Ryan's crying doesn't wake Nathan up in the middle of the night.

Finding balance seems to be the hardest adjustment so far. Unlike with your first baby, when the second one naps, you don't get a break because the older one still needs you. So you're up all night feeding a baby and then up all day chasing around a toddler.  It is nearly impossible to find any time for myself. So my homework gets neglected and I find myself cramming to get it done in the hours before I leave for class. Showering has become a luxury I aim for every other day, and forget about drying my hair, I can't afford those 15 minutes. I'm lucky if I remember to eat one solid meal a day and I'm embarassed to admit how many times I've cooked a healthy meal since bringing Ryan home (there's been a lot of takeout.)

And most important, is finding time to give Nathan the one on one time he needs, and deserves, without neglecting Ryan who is completely helpless and needs me constantly.  It breaks my heart when Nathan begs me to hold him, or let him sit in my lap, or just have me to himself for a minute. I try to give him as much attention as I can but there are moments when I need to hold Ryan, need to feed him, need to comfort him and I find myself telling Nathan "No" or "Not now" or "You have to wait a minute" and his little face crumples and his lip starts to quiver and he begins sobbing and just like that, all 3 of us are crying. I can't imagine what this has been like for him. Of course every first born child goes through this when they get a sibling and I know that having a brother will be a wonderful gift for him but right now I can't help but think that he is feeling confused and jealous and a little left out.

I've been told over and over by friends with 2 kids "Just hang in there until 6 weeks and it will get better." Ryan will be 6 weeks this Friday, which coincidentally is also Nathan's 3rd birthday. I am hoping the sun shines a little brighter that day and we can follow that light toward better days.

Until then, I will be hanging in here, most likely not showered, covered in spit-up and with dark bags under my eyes... but at the end of the day as long as we're all alive, I will consider it a good day.